Worst Christmas Song: Wildcard

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ROUND 3

(2) Funky Funky Christmas by New Kids on the Block vs.(5) I’ll Be a Gnome for Christmas by Art Paul Schlosser

Apparently boy band funk is worse than cheesy reggae, but is “Funky Funky Christmas” the worst song in the wildcard division?

Something really cool happened the other day. In a first for this tournament, one of the artists actually reached out to me.

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Mr. Schlosser, you may have one of the worst Christmas songs of all time, but you are a class act. This made my day.

ROUND 2

(1) Mistletoe by Justin Bieber vs. (5) I’ll Be a Gnome for Christmas by Art Paul Schlosser

One of the biggest sweeps of the tournament thus far (shocker), Justin Bieber’s terrible Christmas diddy now faces off against a song that might just be so-bad-it’s good.

The view count on this video has nearly doubled since I posted the link. Let’s try to triple it.

(2) Funky Funky Christmas by New Kids on the Block vs. (3) Yellow Christmas by Yellowman

In both showdowns here, we have a somewhat famously bad pop song…

going up against a potentially worse but much lesser known song. What will it be?

ROUND 1

For our final round one match-ups, we have the songs that don’t necessarily fit any other category but deserve to be here nonetheless. These tunes are wildly offensive.

(1) Mistletoe by Justin Bieber vs. (8) Who Spiked the Eggnog by Straight No Chaser

The whole chorus is “With you, shawty with you/With you, shawty with you/With you, under the mistletoe.” Even for a Christmas song, that’s terrible.

Straight No Chaser is the a Capella group with those cool songs your friends kept posting on Facebook a few years ago. This is not one of them.

(4) Christmas Conga by Cyndi Lauper vs. (5) I’ll Be a Gnome for Christmas by Art Paul Schlosser

This is far worse than its title and artist would suggest. Lauper clearly lost a bet.

I’m not sure if this is a Dylan impression or it’s just terrible.

(3) Yellow Christmas by Yellowman vs. (6) Do You Hear What I Hear

You could listen to this a million times and not make out half of the lyrics. He’s clearly just singing over a karaoke track… but somehow this warranted a whole album of “Yellow” Christmas carols.

I actually never thought this song was even remotely bad until Tim Hawkins pointed out how stupid it was. He says it better than I ever will.

(2) Funky Funky Christmas by New Kids on the Block vs. (7) 2000 Miles by The Pretenders

This is the most embarrassing thing Donnie Wahlberg ever did, and he was in Zookeeper with Kevin James. This is just painful.

This one’s made at least one list of the worst Christmas songs. I’m not sure why, but it has.

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Worst Christmas Song: Old But Not Classic

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ROUND 3

(7) Marshmallow World vs. (8) Ding Dong Merrily High on High

Well it’s the 7 seed vs. the 8 seed, because apparently I don’t know what old songs people hate the most. That said, Marshmallow World is truly annoying and should probably be retired from rotation on Christmas radio.

The onomatopoeia aside, I have no real issue with this song. At least it has a tune.

ROUND 2

This bracket surprised me on the whole in round 1, but let’s see which old songs are so bad they need to be retired for good.

(4) The First Noel vs.(8) Ding Dong Merrily High on High

Didn’t someone tell this writer to move the song along any faster? This one has been delaying the church lunch rush in December for years.

You all must hate onomatopoeia even more than I do, or you just laughed at “ding dong.”

(6) We Three Kings vs. (7) Marshmallow World

It’s a song with a whole verse about myrrh. I’m not gonna hate it as much as you do.

Why is listing things an acceptable way of writing a song? THIS is what started the fire, Billy Joel.

ROUND 1

For some reason, these songs are called “standards.” The only rule in this category is that the songs have to be at least 50 years old, but some of these have been around for centuries.

(1) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus vs. (8) Ding Dong Merrily High on High

Nothing says Christmas like a kid thinking his mom is cheating on his dad with Santa. It’s not cute, and it’s going to scar that kid for life.

I don’t like onomatopoeia, and especially not in song titles. No self respecting Christmas song has “Ding Dong” in the title.

(4) The First Noel vs. (5) Here Comes Santa Claus

How many verses does this thing need? Even worse, the song’s story is so slow-moving. This is one whole verse: “This star drew nigh to the north-west/O’er Bethlehem it took its rest/And there it did both stop and stay/Right over the place where Jesus lay.” How does “The star stopped above Jesus” warrant a whole verse?

Why does this throwaway song about Santa Claus suddenly bring Jesus into the third verse? I’ve never understood that, and from reading lists of the worst Christmas songs, I’m not the only one. Also, how narcissistic does Santa have to be to name a street Santa Claus lane?

(3) 12 Days of Christmas vs. (6) We Three Kings

What do you want for Christmas? Whatever it is, I can almost guarantee it’s not birds and slave labor.

Yeah, I don’t hate this one at all, but I can see why someone would. A verse for each gift, seriously?

(2)The Little Drummer Boy vs. (7) Marshmallow World

Every other lyric is “Parum-pum-pum-pum.” That alone justifies the #2 seed.

Here’s some stuff that happens in winter. Why don’t I just write a song about it?…. Oh my do I hate songs that simply list things.

24 hours to vote for these “classics.”

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Worst Christmas Song: The Novelty Wore Off

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ROUND 3

(4) Nuttin’ for Christmas vs. (6) I’m Gonna Put Some Glue ‘Round the Christmas Tree (So Santa Claus Will Stick Around All Year)

Proof that you agree with my hatred of adults singing like children, this annoying and unfunny Stan Freberg tune has managed to stick around. Can it move on to the Egregious Eight?

It’s going up against THIS song where an adult sings like a child. What’s worse—a dumb title or an annoying voice?

ROUND 2

(8) What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb) vs. (4) Nuttin’ for Christmas

Of all the round 1 match-ups, this one surprised me the most. Seriously, you all hate this Star Wars novelty song more than those chipmunks?

This one on the other hand didn’t surprise me at all. The only thing that could save this song is if it was about a squirrel.

https://twitter.com/matchupmovies/status/804561043829694464

(6) I’m Gonna Put Some Glue ‘Round the Christmas Tree (So Santa Claus Will Stick Around All Year) vs. (7) Monsters’ Holiday by Bobby “Boris” Pickett

Why do you need a whole song built around this stupid pun? I hated the hippo song more, but I get why this moved on.

This beat the Barking Dogs Jingle Bells. You guys must really hate the “Monster Mash.”

ROUND 1

Novelty songs are a strange part of society, because even if a song is funny the firs time, no one’s laughing the 100th time. Somehow, these make an appearance every holiday season and they just aren’t funny anymore (if they even were to begin with).

(1) The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) vs. (8) What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)

This speeding-up of voices was groundbreaking technology in the 1950s, but that didn’t make it any less annoying then. For some reason, this still gets regular airplay, and the Chipmunks are still a pox on our society. Please, someone explain this to me.

Is there something worse than a Star Wars Christmas album? Um yeah, obviously, a Star Wars Holiday Special…. and also The Phantom Menace.

(4) Nuttin’ for Christmas vs. (5) Snoopy’s Christmas

I hate songs where adults try to sound like children. They are downright creepy, and this is no exception. Did anyone ever find this funny?

Did “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” need a sequel? If so, why did it need to take place around Christmas? Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a little war? Yes, there’s a truce, but we all know they’re gonna try to kill each other again the next time.

(3) I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas vs. (6) I’m Gonna Put Some Glue ‘Round the Christmas Tree (So Santa Claus Will Stick Around All Year)

So I always thought this was another “adults singing like children” song, but apparently singer Gayle Peevey was really ten years old when she recorded this. Poor girl.

DUMBEST. TITLE. EVER.

(2) Barking Dogs Jingle Bells vs. (7) Monsters’ Holiday by Bobby “Boris” Pickett

The only explanation I have for this song is that it was recorded as a torture device for the military. I can’t imagine even the most devoted dog person thinking this is cute.

They let the “Monster Mash’ guy record another song… or the same exact song over again, just Christmas instead of Halloween. In this one, the Monsters take over Christmas… you know, it’s basically just The Nightmare Before Christmas. Ultimately, it’s prophetic but familiar. That Karloff impression got old fast.

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

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  • Year: 1964
  • Director: Nicholas Webster
  • Starring: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck

There are a lot of bad Christmas movies out there, and there are a lot of bad sci-fi movies out there. In 1964, Nicholas Webster decided that the people of earth needed a bad sci-fi Christmas movie because that didn’t exist yet… or something like that. Anyway, this led to the legendary disaster Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

The movie starts with the song “Hooray for Santa Claus,” which could have easily made my tournament of the Worst Christmas Songs for one terrible lyric alone (“He’s fat and round, but jumpin’ jiminy/He can climb down any chimney”). The music, including this gem, was composed by Milton DeLugg, who composed the music for Chuck Barris’s game shows. When you think about this opening song without the lyrics, it makes perfect sense. There’s even that game show-esque pencil animation going right along with it. If it weren’t for these opening credits though, how would we know who designed the film’s custumes?

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We then start with something every kid wants to see in their movies—a newscast. (The newscaster even sounds like frequent Chuck Barris host Geoff Edwards, which interests no one and I’m not even sure why I’m pointing it out.) It’s then revealed who’s watching the program.

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Oh no, are we accidentally showing them Requiem for a Dream again?

These children have started obsessively watching earth programs, including this exclusive interview with Santa Claus. The interviewer is clearly introduced as Andy Henderson, and yet Santa keeps referring to him as Mr. Anderson. Unless this is some weird prequel to the Matrix, Santa might have gone a bit too heavy on the eggnog. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is also notable for being the first film to feature Mrs. Claus… and she does absolutely nothing of note. At one point, the Martians freeze her, and Santa more or less says, “Well at least she’ll shut up now.” She also appears very flustered by the TV cameras and laughs a really, really bizarre laugh.

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Now to be fair, Santa has the laugh of a psychopath in this film.

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It seems odd that the director of this film seems to know absolutely nothing about laughing as he seems to be an expert when it comes to humor… albeit entirely unintentional humor.

Meanwhile, Alien Charlton Heston is worried about his children watching too much TV and not being serious enough about life in general.

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Ray guns don’t kill Santa, aliens with ray guns kill Santa.

Seriously, what are with these costumes? I get the movie has no budget, but this greenface is surely offensive to a race that may or may not exist, and the beer helmets are just an accident waiting to happen. Anyway, Alien Heston goes to see the planet’s great guru Chochem (seriously, they have Yiddish on Mars?), who exists solely to explain what Christmas on earth is all about.

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I’m starting to think this movie was actually made for Martian children, because this scene goes on way too long. Chochem’s speech convinces Heston to go to earth to kidnap Santa Claus, along with the help of his assistants: Frank Zappa…

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Gomer Pyle…

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And two others so inconsequential they don’t warrant pictures. When the five of them travel to earth, they make the cliched mistake of thinking every mall Santa is Santa Claus. Unsure which one to take, they land next to the two worst child actors in history and ask them where the real Santa Claus lives. However, Frank Zappa is not satisfied with letting the kids go free, so the Martians kidnap the children to go with them to the North Pole. His reasoning is “They’ll tell the authorities,” because the cops would surely believe two young children who reported they saw aliens. The movie also spends an inordinate amount of time on newscasts about the alien ship and the military preparing via stock footage. It’s like this is the Christmas movie Ed Wood (thankfully) never got around to making.

While the Martians scope out the North Pole and prepare to kidnap Santa, the two children, Billy and Betty (those are their actual names, not just some default ones I’m making up) are attacked by a man in a very bad polar bear suit…

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Starting to think “Custume Designer” was this guy’s “Alan Smithee”

And a hilariously stupid-looking robot.

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The Martians then use the robot to go into the workshop to kidnap Santa. The elves are furious, with one of them saying “You can’t take him now. It’s too near Christmas.” So if they kidnapped Santa in April or something, the elves would just be all “Yeah, sure take Santa, he’s a lousy boss anyway. Just bring him back by Thanksgiving.”

Alien Heston and his minions take Santa to Mars, but on the way, Frank Zappa tries to kill Santa and the children by sending them out of the airlock. Zappa isn’t a fan of bringing cheer to the Martian children and instead wants Mars to return to its war-torn roots (Knowing this movie’s level of intelligence, it is surely just a lucky coincidence that Mars was the god of war).

When they get back to Mars (we really only see Mars from indoor locations, so the Red Planet moniker is kind of a faith thing), Heston puts Santa in charge of making toys for the Martian children. Gomer Pyle, who isn’t considered a good Martian for being too happy and not liking the whole war thing, finds himself enjoying helping Santa out and even tries on Santa’s suit.

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Alright, I get why Santa has a back-up suit, but why does he have a FAKE BEARD? What, did the Martians just have a fake Santa beard laying around? Well no, because they just learned who Santa was. Does Santa have a fake beard just in case he shaves on a whim? I want answers from this cheesy sci-fi Christmas film!

And here’s where it gets stupid. I’ll forgive everything up to this point if they don’t…. Yep Frank Zappa mistakes Gomer Pyle in a Santa suit for the real Santa Claus, even with his green face and alien hat, and takes him away. They get into some really poorly choreographed fistfights over the whole thing, Santa Claus goes back to earth with Billy and Betty, and Gomer Pyle becomes the Santa Claus on Mars. Thankfully, they never show the part where every Martian street corner has someone trying to imitate Gomer’s annoying laugh and mannerisms, because that would be too much even for this film.

So is this the worst Christmas special of all time? One of my biggest issues with the thing is Santa Claus is inexplicably stupid. Alien Frank Zappa is one of the most obviously evil villains in film history (with matching mustache to twirl and all) and Santa’s like “No kids, I don’t think he’s evil. Let’s trust him.” The five-year-old kids are smarter than Santa! How is he supposed to conquer the Martians with that level of intelligence?

Well he doesn’t conquer the Martians at all. The title was clearly just a cheap ploy to sell tickets, because it’s a blatant lie. Please explain to me how in this movie Santa Claus conquers any Martians, and don’t you dare say he captures their hearts and minds. If he grows to like them at all, it’s clearly through Stockholm Syndrome (hey it worked in Beauty and the Beast). Santa never really does seem all that broken up about being kidnapped. Technically, the Martians conquer him, and when he gets out, it’s not really through his own doing anyway, but only because Gomer Pyle is good enough to be Mars’ Santa.

Yeah, this is the worst one so far. It’s definitely got so-bad-it’s-good moments, but it also has ridiculous amounts of padding (and not just on Santa’s suit) and really annoying characters. It’s worse than fruitcake.

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Worst Christmas Song: Not For Kids

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ROUND 3

(1) Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year by Tiny Tim vs. (3) Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt/Madonna

Which song about Santa’s sex life do you prefer? Is the one about an STD worse?

Or is this burlesque, borderline-disturbing song worse?

ROUND 2

(1) Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year by Tiny Tim vs. (5) Santa Claus is Watching You by Ray Stevens

God bless us everyone.

STDs or stalking, which is a worse topic for a Christmas song?
(2) Baby It’s Cold Outside vs.(3) Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt/Madonna

Say, what’s in this drink?

Both versions are bad, but Madonna’s is worse.

ROUND 1

Somehow these songs slipped by the censor .Just make sure your kids aren’t including these in their Christmas caroling this year.

(1) Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year by Tiny Tim vs. (8) Tony the Tuna by the Penthouse Playboys

I am absolutely speechless. How does this song exist? Sure, it came out long before we knew a lot about the AIDS epidemic, but how was this ever supposed to be funny? Why does this song treat AIDS like it’s a curable disease Santa will only be fighting this year? Why is it constantly referred to as THE AIDS? I have a million more questions, so this better move on so I can ask them all.

Sorry, any Christmas carol with the line “He’s making a list/Checking it twice/Somebody’s gonna get whacked tonight” isn’t all bad.

(4) Back Door Santa by Clarence Carter vs. (5) Santa Claus is Watching You by Ray Stevens

Words like “innuendo” and “suggestive” are often used in relation to this song, but those words are far too nice. This one makes “Afternoon Delight” look subtle.
If you’re ever in the mood for a comedy singer who isn’t funny and isn’t talented, Ray Stevens should be right up your alley. For over fifty years (seriously), this guy has made a career out of recording unfunny songs that apparently some people like. For some reason, this ode to stalking seems to rear its ugly restraining order every holiday season.

(3) Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt/Madonna vs. (6) Santa Stole My Girlfriend by The Maine

This is a dumb song regardless of the singer, but Eartha Kitt’s version is so goofy and tongue-in-cheek that I can almost let it go. Madonna’s version on the other hand is disturbing and truly unpleasant.

Ever hear a Christmas song call Santa a bitch? That’s the only unique thing about this otherwise boring lost-love number. It just happens the guy lost his love to St. Nick.

(2) Baby It’s Cold Outside vs. (7) Santa Hates Poor Kids by Your Favorite Martian

Attention anyone ever making a Christmas album: STOP COVERING THIS SONG. More or less the non-consensual version of “Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow,” we need to instate a ban on “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” I don’t care if a band think it’s being cute by switching the genders, no song with the line “Say what’s in this drink?” deserves airplay.

This song sure think it’s funny, doesn’t it? The filthiness just comes out sounding forced and unfunny, however.

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Worst Christmas Song: Over Indulgent

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ROUND 3

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (2) All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth by Spike Jones and His City Slickers

Don’t act surprised this one is here. We all know it’s terrible. I have no doubt it will move on again.

Oh yeah, it’s annoying, but at least it doesn’t say God brings death to teach a rich white guy the true meaning of Christmas. It is an adult singing as a child, though…

ROUND 2

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (4) The Cat Carol by Meryn Cadell

My rant on this song last time went long enough, so let’s see what the internet has to say.

You all moved on the song about cats but eliminated the Barking Dogs Jingle Bells. Interesting.

(2) All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth by Spike Jones and His City Slickers vs. (6) I Like Life from Scrooge

The results show that wanting your two front teeth for Christmas is far worse than wanting a hippopotamus.

BUT, is it worse than drinking from the milk of human kindness? Only one can move on to the next round.

ROUND 1

Some songs just lay it on too thick. Whether they’re overly sad, overly cute, or overly sung, they need to tone it down.

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (8) Shake up Christmas by Train

I try not to actively hate too many things in my life, but for this song I make an exception. The vocals are strained and fake, it has a terrible message, it is inescapable at Christmas time, and it is absurdly sappy. This is by an allegedly Christian band who sings about God killing a boy’s mom just so this shopper can learn the “true meaning of Christmas.” And don’t you dare tell me I need to see the movie to get the song, because 1) The movie came out two years after the song and 2) If I need to watch a 90 minute TV film to understand a terrible song, why is either worth my time?

Train does have at least one good song. This is not it.

(4) The Cat Carol by Meryn Cadell vs. (5) Where Are You Christmas? by Faith Hill

Not only does “The Cat Carol” approach the sappiness of “The Christmas Shoes,” it has more verses than Don McLean’s “American Pie.” Not even the craziest of cat ladies wants to hear someone singing about a cat for this long. I almost feel guilty for bringing attention to this one, no matter how negative.

Pretend for one second that the terrible Ron Howard/Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas doesn’t exist. Wasn’t that a nice second? The point is, regardless of the absolutely horrendous film this song comes from, it plays on cheap emotion even more than your average Faith Hill song, and that’s saying something.

(3) Grown-Up Christmas List by Basically anyone who ever recorded a Christmas album vs. (6) I Like Life from Scrooge

Originally recorded by Natalie Cole and later covered by Amy Grant, Kelly Clarkson and a slew of others, this one has good intentions but is just way too much. As a kid, you wanted toys and as an adult you want the world to be a better place. Great. How about actually doing something about it? At least donate the proceeds from the single to charity or something. Otherwise it’s just feeling good about yourself.

Let’s just say this scene starts with Scrooge drinking the milk of human kindness and goes downhill from there. This is, without a doubt, the worst-rhymed song on the entire list, if not of all time. Let’s take a look at a few:

  1. Ebenezer Scrooge/The sins of man are huge.
  2. I like life/Life likes me/Life and I fairly fully agree
  3. I like songs/I like dance/I hear music and I’m in a trance

Albert Finney’s goofy voice doesn’t help things either, but I went on a similar rant on this song in my review of Scrooge, so I’ll spare you any more.

(2) All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth  by Spike Jones and His City Slickers vs. (7) My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music

No one actually likes this song right? So why does we have to hear it every year?

I’m not really sure why this gets played around the holiday season at all. It’s from a non-Christmas musical, and it doesn’t even occur in a Christmas scene. Plus, it’s just listing things, and that’s the worst kind of song.

Alright, you’ve got 24 hours to vote in the polls above from my @matchupmovies account.

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Worst Christmas Song: Ad Nauseam

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ROUND 3

(4) Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney and Wings vs. (6) Dominick the Donkey by Lou Monte

This is Paul McCartney we’re talking about here, a Beatle, sinking this low. It’s painful to hear every time.

So this is worse than “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?” It is really annoying, and I cannot stand animal sounds in songs.

ROUND 2

(1) Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid vs. (4) Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney and Wings

What’s worse? A valiant attempt at sincerity that comes off as privileged…

Or a lazy attempt at a Christmas cash-in that comes off as lazy?

 (2) Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy vs. (6) Dominick the Donkey by Lou Monte

Which creature feature do you hate more? At the #2 seed, it’s an upbeat ditty about Santa’s deer actually killing someone.

And at the #6 seed, we have an incredibly annoying tune about a donkey that helps Santa out. Pick your poison.

ROUND 1

Today we look at those songs the radio just won’t let go. Every year, we have to hear these songs over and over, and even if we don’t mind them the first time, they just become too much.

(1) Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid vs. (8) Fairytale of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Once the best selling single of all time in the UK (seriously), “Do They Know It’s Christmas” would be a harmless charity song if the lyrics actually had thought put into them. Instead, lines like “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you” make the song come off as selfish and really not all that charitable.

Although it often makes lists of the best modern Christmas songs, apparently some people hate this one. It’s overplayed sure, but I really like this duet between The Pogues and Irish singer Kirsty MacColl. “Fairytale” is really sad and perhaps a tad overdone, but nowhere near as overdone as the #1 seed it’s facing off against.

(4) Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney and Wings vs. (5) Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Yep, it’s the battle of the Beatles. First up, it’s “Wonderful Christmastime,” a song that Paul McCartney has made over $15 million on since its release (almost enough for Heather Mills’ monthly alimony). An abundance of synthesizers that sound out of tune and a children’s choir that also sounds of tune (Highly doubtful they’ve practiced all year long) lead to one of Christmas’ most annoying numbers.

And in this corner, we’ve got John Lennon’s Christmas anthem. Lennon and Yoko Ono released this protest song in 1971 (the war wasn’t over yet), and it gets about as many plays as McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime.” I suppose it just depends… do you prefer a song about ending war or a song so bad that it’s bound to start one? Your choice.

(3) Last Christmas by Wham! vs. (6) Dominick the Donkey by Lou Monte

Maybe it’s the fact that my job plays THREE SEPARATE VERSIONS of this song that makes it drive me up a wall, but I’m sure I’m not the only one. Why does everyone feel the need to cover this? It’s such a dated ’80s song with George Michael’s breathy vocals and cringy rhyming (“Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it/With a note saying ‘I Love You,’ I meant it.”).This one needs to be given away for good.

Why does this tepid children’s song get played over-and-over every year? It’s cute enough the first time, but no one wants to hear this every day. There needs to be a hefty fine imposed on any song that includes animal noises in its lyrics.

 (2) Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy vs. (7) Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano

Perhaps the only Christmas song about vehicular homicide, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is one of those songs that no one over the age of 15 really finds funny. I’ve actually read a theory that the reason the singers are so upbeat about Grandma’s recent demise is that a member of the family murdered Grandma, and this is their agreed-upon cover story. Either way, we’re all tired of hearing the story.

This one is hit with a double whammy of being very repetitive and very overplayed, but it’s not all that bad. Jose Feliciano’s vocal is at least impassioned, and it’s catchy enough before you realize the thing has a total of about ten words.

As always, 24 hours to vote. The tweets are embedded above from my @matchupmovies account.

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Worst Christmas Song: Country Christmas

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ROUND 3

(1) Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas by John Denver vs.(2) Leroy the Redneck Reindeer by Joe Diffie

Hey, a #1 seed vs. a #2 seed. This one comes to us by Jim Croce-wannabe John Denver, and it is very possibly his worst song.

But… is it worse than this truly awkward countrified version of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?” It’s going to be a close one.

ROUND 2

(1) Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas by John Denver vs. (4) Merry Christmas from the Family by Robert Earl Keen

Oh wow, this one is tough. Which of these odes to intoxication and dysfunctional families do you prefer?

Denver’s song is bad, but it doesn’t have the unpleasant vocals of Robert Earl Keen. Keen has called this “The Rocky Horror Picture Show of Christmas songs,” which is pretty offensive to Rocky Horror… and Christmas songs… and metaphor.

(2) Leroy the Redneck Reindeer by Joe Diffie vs. (3) If We Make It Through December by Merle Haggard

Why did someone go to the trouble of animating a video for a song this terrible? Why did Joe Diffie think a mullet was a good idea? Why don’t I have a creative third question?

I still hold to this not being all that bad, but I blame it for leading to a lot of really depressing songs.

ROUND 1

As we move on to Day 2 of the Worst Christmas Song Tournament, let’s take a look at a genre that seems to never stop releasing lousy Christmas songs. Country radio is just infested with the stuff in December, and I’ve whittled it down to eight of the worst.

(1) Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas by John Denver vs. (8) I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus by Brenda Lee

The title of this #1 seed says it all. There’s nothing like a Christmas song to treat an abusive, alcoholic father as just a well-meaning but goofy harbinger of Christmas joy. Plus, it has that unbearably stupid lyric, “Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see.”

Another song where the title says everything. Brenda Lee is famous for recording “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree,” which is one of the most iconic modern Christmas songs, but rockin’ this is not.

(4) Merry Christmas from the Family by Robert Earl Keen vs. (5) Santa Got Lost in Texas by Jeff Carson

Oh I hate this song so much. If I wasn’t trying to be unbiased to some extent, this would be at least the #2 seed if not #1. It’s ridiculously overblown and Robert Earl Keen’s voice is so twangy that I thought it was someone mocking country music, but nope Keen is from Texas. I’m done with this song every time it gets to “Little sister brought her new boyfriend/He was a Mexican/We didn’t know what to think of him until he sang/Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad.” So what did you think of him then? You acknowledged that he celebrated Christmas and now he’s OK? Perhaps this song isn’t worthy of that kind of grammatical analysis.

Yeah, it’s about as dumb as it sounds. It’s not offensive and it’s mostly forgettable, but it sure is dumb.

(3) If We Make It Through December by Merle Haggard vs. (6) I Only Want You for Christmas by Alan Jackson

This Merle Haggard song is the epitome of everything wrong with country radio at Christmastime. It’s not even necessarily the worst thing ever in-and-of-itself but it’s the king (and perhaps originator) of the super depressing country Christmas song, and it needs to pay for its sins.

And on the flip side, we have the definitive throwaway upbeat Christmas song (to be fair, nearly everything Alan Jackson ever recorded is a throwaway). You’ll forget this song ten seconds after hearing it.

(2) Leroy the Redneck Reindeer by Joe Diffie vs. (7) Santa Claus is Comin’ (In a Boogie Woogie Choo Choo Train) by The Tractors

In 1995, life-sized mullet Joe Diffie offered this up this hillbilly sequel to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. In addition to being stupid, unfunny, and not catchy, it doesn’t make any sense. Does Leroy also have a red nose? Otherwise, what’s the point in him taking Rudolph’s place? These are things Joe Diffie really needed to think through.

OK, so there’s only one real problem with this song. The Tractors had just one hit—”Baby Likes to Rock It (Like a Boogie Woogie Choo Choo Train),” a fairly catchy song with abysmal lyrics, of which this is just a cheap re-write. You shouldn’t be able to pump out a Christmas song this easily.

As always, you’ve got 24 hours to vote for the worst on my @matchupmovies account!

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Worst Christmas Song: Worst Cover

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ROUND 3:

(1) O Holy Night by Tiny Tim vs. (3) Hallelujah Chorus by Neil Diamond

I suppose it’s only appropriate that it comes down to horrible covers of perhaps the two most sacred Christmas songs. This is a really tough call.

 

Is an artist who’s always awful worse? Or one who’s just surprisingly awful every now and then?

ROUND 2:

Well the votes are in, and only four terrible cover songs remain. We’ve got one matchup of always terrible artists, and another of artists actually famous for having talent.

(1) O Holy Night by Tiny Tim vs. (5) Deck the Halls by William Hung

Tiny Tim vs. William Hung is a matchup made only in hell. Perhaps it comes down to which song being butchered falls farther. A lot of people have done bad versions of “O Holy Night,” but this takes the cake.

Hung defeated Smash Mouth to be here, but is his rendition of “Deck the Halls” also worse than Tiny Tim?

 (2) Must be Santa by Bob Dylan vs. (3) Hallelujah Chorus by Neil Diamond

It’s kind of surreal to have a match-up between Bob Dylan and Neil Diamond on the list of the worst. I really hope Bob Dylan was joking.

 

I’ll just leave this to the person who brought this song to my attention.

ROUND 1:

We’ll be staring this tournament with the worst cover songs of all time. Polls are on Twitter on my @matchupmovies account.

(1) O Holy Night by Tiny Tim vs. (8) Winter Wonderland by Steve Taylor

The #1 seed in this division is by the only artist to make this list twice, the name-appropriate Tiny Tim. To be fair, “O Holy Night” is a hard song to cover, but to be fair, anyone could do a better job than this wailing ukulele mess.

In case you hate the traditional, run-of-the-mill carols, Christian artist Steve Taylor gives us an awkward mariachi version of “Winter Wonderland,” including a verse in Spanish. It’s an acquired taste, and perhaps one you don’t want to acquire.

(4) Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Smash Mouth vs. (5) Deck the Halls by William Hung

This one pains me down to my soul. Darlene Love’s version of “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) is iconic, and Smash Mouth is among my most hated things in the world. Steve Harwell’s voice is worse than nails on a chalkboard honestly. I’d have put this higher if it was better known…. but it’s far from the only bad version (ever hear U2’s version?).

Is this cheating? Yeah, kind of. Everyone knows William Hung is bad (except MAYBE the man himself), so I put this at a #5 seed. And yes, the album is really called Hung for the Holidays.

(3) Hallelujah Chorus by Neil Diamond vs. (6) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer by Regis Philbin and Donald Trump

Look, the closest Neil Diamond should come to religious music is “I’m a Believer.” This is unbearably painful. How do you mess up one of the simplest songs of all time? If he just shut up and let the choir sing, he’d be fine.

So how do you put “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” on a Christmas album for people over 8 years old? I’d lean towards you just don’t, but Regis Philbin decided to bring in (surely now former) friend Donald Trump. (The friendship ended with Regis saying “Is that your final ethnic slur?”) It’s awkward and wasn’t even funny before Trump’s current political career.

(2) Must be Santa by Bob Dylan vs. (7) Jingle Bell Rock by Billy Idol

Bob Dylan does a polka version of a cheesy Christmas kids song. I have no more to say.

Messing up “Jingle Bell Rock” is like cooking an egg wrong… and it looks like Billy Idol left the shell on. Maybe it’s the mix of the laid back arrangement and his powerful voice. Maybe it’s the fact that’s a cheap cash-in. Either way, it’s downright awful.

You’ve got 24 hours to vote. Spread the word and vote for the worst!

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The Worst Christmas Song Tournament

As if reviewing ten of the worst Christmas specials of all time wasn’t enough, I felt it was only appropriate to decide once and for all what is the worst Christmas song of all time. We’re all sick of hearing them year after year, and while there are a few that are good, these are the worst of the worst.

FINALS

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CONSOLATION MATCH

THE FEARFUL FOUR

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THE EGREGIOUS EIGHT

I’ve divided the 64 (originally 32, but there are just so many bad ones) songs into 8 divisions. Make sure to follow @matchupmovies on Twitter, where I will be posting the daily polls. You can check out the full bracket over at Challonge. The eight divisions are:

WORST COVER SONGS

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COUNTRY CHRISTMAS

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AD NAUSEAM

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OVER INDULGENT

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NOT FOR KIDS

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THE NOVELTY WORE OFF

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OLD BUT NOT CLASSIC

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WILD CARD

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I’ll post links to the videos and be giving more info as we go. Each voting period will last 24 hours.

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