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ROUND 3

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (2) All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth by Spike Jones and His City Slickers

Don’t act surprised this one is here. We all know it’s terrible. I have no doubt it will move on again.

Oh yeah, it’s annoying, but at least it doesn’t say God brings death to teach a rich white guy the true meaning of Christmas. It is an adult singing as a child, though…

ROUND 2

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (4) The Cat Carol by Meryn Cadell

My rant on this song last time went long enough, so let’s see what the internet has to say.

You all moved on the song about cats but eliminated the Barking Dogs Jingle Bells. Interesting.

(2) All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth by Spike Jones and His City Slickers vs. (6) I Like Life from Scrooge

The results show that wanting your two front teeth for Christmas is far worse than wanting a hippopotamus.

BUT, is it worse than drinking from the milk of human kindness? Only one can move on to the next round.

ROUND 1

Some songs just lay it on too thick. Whether they’re overly sad, overly cute, or overly sung, they need to tone it down.

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (8) Shake up Christmas by Train

I try not to actively hate too many things in my life, but for this song I make an exception. The vocals are strained and fake, it has a terrible message, it is inescapable at Christmas time, and it is absurdly sappy. This is by an allegedly Christian band who sings about God killing a boy’s mom just so this shopper can learn the “true meaning of Christmas.” And don’t you dare tell me I need to see the movie to get the song, because 1) The movie came out two years after the song and 2) If I need to watch a 90 minute TV film to understand a terrible song, why is either worth my time?

Train does have at least one good song. This is not it.

(4) The Cat Carol by Meryn Cadell vs. (5) Where Are You Christmas? by Faith Hill

Not only does “The Cat Carol” approach the sappiness of “The Christmas Shoes,” it has more verses than Don McLean’s “American Pie.” Not even the craziest of cat ladies wants to hear someone singing about a cat for this long. I almost feel guilty for bringing attention to this one, no matter how negative.

Pretend for one second that the terrible Ron Howard/Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas doesn’t exist. Wasn’t that a nice second? The point is, regardless of the absolutely horrendous film this song comes from, it plays on cheap emotion even more than your average Faith Hill song, and that’s saying something.

(3) Grown-Up Christmas List by Basically anyone who ever recorded a Christmas album vs. (6) I Like Life from Scrooge

Originally recorded by Natalie Cole and later covered by Amy Grant, Kelly Clarkson and a slew of others, this one has good intentions but is just way too much. As a kid, you wanted toys and as an adult you want the world to be a better place. Great. How about actually doing something about it? At least donate the proceeds from the single to charity or something. Otherwise it’s just feeling good about yourself.

Let’s just say this scene starts with Scrooge drinking the milk of human kindness and goes downhill from there. This is, without a doubt, the worst-rhymed song on the entire list, if not of all time. Let’s take a look at a few:

  1. Ebenezer Scrooge/The sins of man are huge.
  2. I like life/Life likes me/Life and I fairly fully agree
  3. I like songs/I like dance/I hear music and I’m in a trance

Albert Finney’s goofy voice doesn’t help things either, but I went on a similar rant on this song in my review of Scrooge, so I’ll spare you any more.

(2) All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth  by Spike Jones and His City Slickers vs. (7) My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music

No one actually likes this song right? So why does we have to hear it every year?

I’m not really sure why this gets played around the holiday season at all. It’s from a non-Christmas musical, and it doesn’t even occur in a Christmas scene. Plus, it’s just listing things, and that’s the worst kind of song.

Alright, you’ve got 24 hours to vote in the polls above from my @matchupmovies account.

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