64 songs will enter the tournament—1 winner from the Worst Christmas Song Tournament, 53 based on your votes, and the 10 Runoff winners. Let’s get to the Runoffs.
The final runoff is between four songs just on the fringe. They all got votes, but just missed the tournament. One of them is about get another chance.
Rappin’ Rabbi by Brooklyn Telephone Theater
Um, at least it’s mercifully short. I suppose that’s something, but it has the most overdone Yiddish accent since Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas.
Jam (Turn It Up) by Kim Kardashian
Sometimes a celebrity records a song and it’s surprisingly not terrible, but this is called the Worst Song Ever Tournament, so this is not one of those.
Cat Food by Puppies
If cat food is not fit for a dog, why is the lead singer from Puppies going to try some? The weirdest part of this song isn’t even the lyrics though, but that weird instrumental solo in the middle that I can’t identify.
Thong Song by Sisquo
Sometimes you’re thankful an “artist” is a one-hit-wonder.
For the first Wild Card round, we’ll be looking at songs that didn’t get a lot of votes, but get a lot of hate from one or two voters Which one will transcend its obscurity and move on?
Poor Unfortunate Souls by The Jonas Brothers.
The only song to move here from a runoff, but it’s bad enough that it deserves another shot. I reiterate, guys shouldn’t sing this song.
I Am, I Said by Neil Diamond
“I am I said/To no one there/And no one heard at all/Not even the chair.” That’s why this is here.
Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins
I’ll admit, this one’s mine. What is with this song and its lazy rhyming, terrible dance beat, and grandma slapping? Even for the incredibly low standards of Trace Adkins, this is bad.
Billy Don’t be a Hero by Paper Lace
There are sappier songs, but the Civil War uniforms and whistling are a bit much.
STICK TO ACTING II
There are too many actors who should never have cut a track to fill just one bracket. Let’s take a look at today’s.
Which song should enter the tournament?
Rocket Man by William Shatner
I think it’s gonna be a long long time ’til anyone takes the original seriously again.
The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins by Leonard Nimoy
Not to be outdone by his co-star’s awfulness, Leonard Nimoy brings us this ditty no one asked for. Somehow it feels longer than all of Peter Jackson’s Hobbit trilogy put together.
I Do the Rock by Tim Curry
We all know Tim Curry can sing, so the idea of a solo rock album sounds promising. However, this bizarre song ends up being nothing more than listing things in a funny voice. Stick to the musicals, Tim.
Drinkenstein by Sylvester Stallone
Yes, it’s from a movie. No, that doesn’t make it any less terrible.
Is there any singer more consistently made fun of and hated who still enjoys an immensely successful career? None of us can stand Barry Manilow’s music, but yet he keeps making money. So which of his songs is the worst?
I Write the Songs
Arrested Development Narrator: He doesn’t.
This song is so bad that no one went to the Copacabana from the time it was released until Goodfellas made it cool again in 1990. (He also didn’t write this one, by the way)
I Wanna Do It With You
Don’t let the catchy organ opening fool you. This is one of the least creative songs ever written. (He also didn’t write this one, by the way)
Oh come on, you knew this one would be here. (He also didn’t write this one, by the way)
So which one is it?
WORST DISNEY COVERS II
Did you really think there were only four? That’s cute.
Poor Unfortunate Souls by The Jonas Brothers.
Um, guys shouldn’t sing this song. It makes it sound like they actually believe the whole “women not speaking” thing. Also, the arrangement is awful.
Heigh-Ho by Tom Waits
It’s like someone said “What’s the last song Tom Waits would ever record?” and someone joking threw out this song from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It’s dark for a Disney cover but probably light by Tom Waits-standards.
Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf by LL Cool J
LL Cool J seems to take this song from a 1930s cartoon very seriously, and I’m not sure if that’s hilarious or disturbing. How many verses does this thing need? It’s like the “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” of Disney rap songs (of which, granted, there aren’t many).
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious by The Kiddie
There are so many things I don’t get about this arrangement, but the most confusing is that the song goes on and on and never has a single verse. The song from Mary Poppins has verses you know! If you’re going to make a full-fledged “song” out of it, try recording them.
This is gonna be a tough one. You’ve got 24 hours.
ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
Today we take a look at the work of an underground artist who managed to swoop in and take third place in the Worst Christmas Song tournament. Because of this, Art Paul Schlosser will get his own runoff.
I’m not sure his opinions on cheese are entirely clear. Watch for the nifty kazoo solo, though.
Have a Peanut Butter Sandwich
I mean, this one’s pretty self-explanatory.
I Ate the Poppin’ Fresh Dough Boy
Can’t this guy come up with one title someone hasn’t used before?
The One Chord Song
Hey man, spoiler alert.
Sometimes even terrible songs make their way to animated films and shows. We’ve got a pretty wide variety today.
Hammer Man Theme by MC Hammer
This isn’t even 90 seconds long, but it feels like it never ends. How many details do you have to tell us? Are we even gonna get to the show?
What Makes the Red Man Red from Peter Pan
This is shocking, even for the time. Heck, there’s even some sexism thrown in for good measure.
Where There’s a Whip, There’s a Way from Return of the King (1980)
I haven’t gotten around yet to reviewing the Rankin-Bass Return of the King, but this is infamously bad anyway. The songs in The Hobbit felt timeless (mostly) and organic, but this disco-number is disgustingly dated. Plus, you know, there’s the title.
Caillou Theme from Caillou
This one’s for @RadioFreeOlive. Follow him on Twitter.
You’ve got 24 hours to vote.
As the runner-up of the Worst Christmas Song tournament, Tiny Tim is guaranteed a song in the tournament. Which will it be?
Tiptoe Through the Tulips
Someone heard this and said “Let’s give that guy a career.”
Living in the Sunlight
This may actually be Tim’s most well-known song these days due to its inclusion on the pilot episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Thanks for that, Stephen Hillenburg.
On the Good Ship Lollipop
Sometimes the marriage of artist and song is just perfect.
Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?
Falsetto Tiny Tim duets with bass Tiny Tim. Two deafening moans for the price of one.
WORST DISNEY COVERS
I’m not sure why musicians feel they need to ruin childhoods this often, but butchering Disney songs is a tradition going back decades. Listen at the risk of nostalgia.
Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah by Ric Ocasek.
When I think of the laid-back charm of “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” from the otherwise-let’s-not-go-there Song of the South, it’s as far from the overproduced genre of 80’s new wave as possible. So why did Ric Ocasek of The Cars cover this? As with the many of the truly worst covers, it completely misses the point of the original song.
When You Wish Upon a Star by Meaghan Martin
Speaking of overproduced, holy auto-tune Batman. Can you imagine the crickets if she tried to perform this live? And then someone would bring a cricket up on stage and he’d sing it better.
I Wanna Be Like You by Smash Mouth
I’ve made my hate for Smash Mouth clear before. It may be overkill at this point, but this cover of a jazzy classic is despicable.
I Just Can’t Wait to be King by Aaron Carter
Seriously, this is somehow the most tolerable of the four. Don’t get me wrong, it’s awful, but at least it’s a kid singing a song a kid sings in the movie, right? I’ll give the slightest bit of lenience there.
Which Disney cover deserves to join the ranks of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and Dumbo II? Which has Walt Disney rolling in his grave more than any other? You’ve got 24 hours to vote.
STICK TO ACTING
Sometimes actors are so talented that they think they can literally get away with anything… and sometimes actors are so bad they’ll try anything to see if they’re good at it. Today, we have two of each.
Hooked on a Feeling by David Hasselhoff
The good news: He’s not ruining a pop music classic.
The bad news: Everything else. Forget the video for a second… if that’s possible. Anyone at your local bar could give a performance at least this good. Heck, I think he’s actually singing to a karaoke track on this one.
Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy
Eddie, what were you thinking? You could have waited until Norbit and The Adventures of Pluto Nash to truly ruin your career, but instead you opted to start early with this forgettable synth-pop number that isn’t even catchy.
Lollipop by Steven Seagal
What’s worse than Steven Seagal doing a reggae song? Steven Seagal doing a reggae song with a bad Jamaican accent of course. This has to be heard to believed.
Fun Time by Bruce Willis
Remember when Bruce Willis was the coolest star in Hollywood? Yeah, me neither, but this ruined his shot at ever having that title. This is the whitest thing since… Steven Seagal’s reggae song.
Only one of these 4 atrocities can enter the tournament. Which will it be? You’ve got 24 hours to vote.