div1

Oh look at all these musical abominations. It’s going to hurt to send any of them home.

QUARTERFINALS

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (11) Figured You Out by Nickelback

It’s beaten Badonkadonks, Breaky Hearts and even things that are actually words, but will the winner of the Worst Christmas Song Tournament make it to the Fearful Four?

“The Christmas Shoes” is melodramatic and has mixed messages, but this is downright gross. They both deserve to be here, but which is worse?

ROUND 3

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs (12) Panda by Desiigner

No one ever gets to the end of this song, but if you do, there’s the terrible Cracker Jack prize of a children’s choir singing the chorus. It checks all the overdone ballad boxes and then some.

He sure says “Panda” a lot.

(2) Get Down by B4-4 vs. (11) Figured You Out by Nickelback

With the music of a Kool-aid commercial, the lyrics of Dewey Cox, and the look of three Lance Basses, what could go possibly go wrong?

“I never got why people hate Nickelback” say the people who’ve never heard this song… and the gross ones who have.

ROUND 2

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (8) Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus

How do people fall for pathetic songs like this? How could anyone hear this and think it’s genuine and heartwarming?

Blah de blah Billy Ray joke, blah de blah Miley joke.

(4) My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas vs. (12) Panda by Desiigner

Maybe it’s not as serious as everyone takes it. Regardless, it’s terrible. It definitely made The Black Eyed Peas a permanent joke.

I liked it better when I thought this was just gibberish. Knowing the lyrics makes it worse.

(2) Get Down by B4-4 vs. (7) Rollin’ by Limp Bizkit

Here we are at Round 2. Even if this wasn’t the weirdest music video of all time (it is), and even if all three members didn’t look like the same guy (they do), this would still be an abomination of a song. It’s just so hokey.

How were these guys ever famous?

(3) PPAP by PIKOTARO  vs. (11) Figured You Out by Nickelback

If Shooby Taylor did a cover of this song, it might bring about the end of the world.

It almost isn’t fair to compare this to the other songs on the list. It is just so disgusting.

ROUND 1

(2) Get Down by B4-4 vs. (15) One Week by Barenaked Ladies

It was a simpler time when I wasn’t aware of this song… or this video. Why is there a little boy in it? I’m sure B4-4 thought they were being clever with their thinly-veiled innuendos, but they’re just awkward. The Dewey Cox-esque lyric “Gonna make you come tonight… over to my house” has to be one of the most painful in all of music.

Don’t you dare pretend this is a contest.

(7) Rollin’ by Linkin Park vs. (10) We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel

One of two Linkin Park songs in the tournament, this is far less awful than “Nookie,”  but it still was crafted by the hands of Fred Durst, and everything he touch turns to hair gel.

Just think, at some point Robert Zemeckis heard this song and decided to make a 2 1/2 hour movie out of it with Tom Hanks. Seriously though, it’s just another listing song, and it doesn’t even have a theme. What do “rock and roller cola wars” have to do with Richard Nixon and Lawrence of Arabia? It’s just cringy rhyming and singing. Come on Billy, you’re better than this.

(6) I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick vs. (11) Figured You Out by Nickelback

It’s actually shocking how bad the vocal performance on this. I know it’s mostly just a throwaway song, but wow it feels like everyone’s going with the first take.

Look, there are a lot of bad, bad songs on this list (64 of them to be exact), but this is probably the only one I genuinely feel like I need to take a shower after listening to. If you never got the Nickelback hate, listen to the first minute of this song. You’ll figure it out quicker than Chad Kroeger.

(4) My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas vs. (13) Don’t Bring Me Down by Electric Light Orchestra

I’ll be honest. It had been years since I listened to this song, and it is far worse than I remembered. This Black Eyed Peas number is so repetitive and unmusical that it’s not at all surprising it was a hit in the mid-2000s.

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It’s a bit annoying and dated, but nowhere near as much as “My Humps.” That’s right, the song from 2005 is more dated than the one from 1979.

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (16) Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins

The winner of the Worst Christmas Song Tournament makes its (triumphant?) return as the #1 overall seed. Everything about this song is awful: the saccharine keyboards, the over-sung vocals, the mixed morals, and the forced tearjerker moments. It’s far more than just the worst Christmas song of all time.

Yes, it’s bad. Yes, it endorses grandma slapping. Yes, it’s one of many butt-themed songs on this list. No, it’s not “Christmas Shoes” bad. An upset would really surprise me.

(8) Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus vs. (9) MMMBop by Hanson

I don’t know what’s worse—this song’s lyrics or that it sparked a line dancing craze across the country  South. Fun fact: The Oak Ridge Boys turned this down because “breaky” is, wait for it, NOT A WORD!

Speaking of “not a word,” does this have one discernible lyric? Where’s the “Louie Louie”-esque outrage? How was this a hit?

(3) PPAP (Pen Pineapple Apple Pen) by PIKOTARO vs. (14) Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious by The Kiddie

I’m not even sure this qualifies as a song. It feels more like a cruel video tutorial.

Well, you decided it was one of the worst Disney covers, but is it one of the worst songs of all time? The sound of it sure is something quite atrocious. It just never ends, and they don’t even sing the verses!

(5) All Star by Smash Mouth vs. (12) Panda by Desiigner

Every movie from 1998-2002 had to have this song in it. I’m not saying Rat Race was good, but putting this at the end was just a slap in the face to the audience… and even the people in the next theater who had ears. Steve Harwell’s voice is one of the most unpleasant sounds in this world.

“Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda.” What a chorus. It also uses the word “broads” suggesting our singer is a 1940s misogynist.

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