These are going to be tough, maybe even more than Division I’s first round match-ups. Let’s get to them.
(13) Caillou Theme from Caillou vs. (6) Ascension Millennium by Corey Feldman
At this point, that little 4-year old brat will probably win the whole thing.
This song never starts and also feels like it’s never going to end. It burns both ends of the torture candle.
(1) Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega vs. (13) Caillou Theme from Caillou
It’s hard to believe that songs like this, with just the most mind-numbingly stupid and generic lyrics, become huge hits. For shame, DJs.
I’m gonna stop assuming this will lose. It’s beaten Toby Keith and Limp Bizkit so far, so anything goes.
(2) My Pal Foot Foot by The Shaggs vs. (6) Ascension Millennium by Corey Feldman
Both of these songs are intriguingly inept. This one is notable for its pure innocence of The Shaggs, like aliens entirely unaware of what music is trying it for the first time.
Feldman’s song is intriguing, because it’s someone who should know what music is, but he clearly does not. He’s been famous for years, heck he was friends with Michael Jackson, and yet thinks this passes as music. Ugh.
(2) My Pal Foot Foot by The Shaggs vs. (10) I Wanna Do It With You by Barry Manilow
Seriously, it cracks me up every time. Maybe I’m starting to see the appeal.
Can something be the most generic? Because this is the most generic song ever written.
(14) Lollipop by Steven Seagal vs. (6) Ascension Millennium by Corey Feldman
Who let him sing? Or act?
(1) Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega vs. (9) Detachable Penis by King Missile
Let’s just list some names and call it a song. How was this a hit?
It’s avant-garde? I guess?
(13) Caillou Theme from Caillou vs. (5) Nookie by Limp Bizkit
Worse than Toby Keith? TOBY KEITH? Really?
Rollin’ didn’t move on, but this one is worse. I can’t even believe someone non-ironically used the word nookie in a song.
(4) Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue by Toby Keith vs. (13) Caillou Theme from Caillou
I am going to try and put into words just how ridiculous this song is. It came at a time when people were looking for a patriotic anthem, but this is such pandering garbage that it’d be laughable if it wasn’t so pro-violence. In just the chorus, we get forced references to Uncle Sam, The Statue of Liberty, Bald Eagles, and the Liberty Bell. Got that? Toby, cool it down with the pseudo-patriotism.
It’s 45 seconds long and it’s here because you hate the show. The hate is justified, but it’s not trying to say that loving America means bombing people.
(6) Ascension Millennium by Corey Feldman vs. (11) Cotton-Eyed Joe by Rednex
What does that title even mean? “Ascension Millennium” just sounds like a song that keeps trying to start but never does. At least it’s not a cover of “Stand By Me.”
I mean, yeah it’s bad… but at least it’s a song. That’s how low the bars been set, folks.
(5) Nookie by Limp Bizkit vs. (12) Smart Girls by Brian Wilson
Oh Limp Bizkit, we meet again. This is exponentially worse than the abysmal “Rollin,'” because at least that didn’t rhyme “nookie” with “cookie.” Who let these guys be famous?
Brian Wilson is a musical genius, but this is sure an argument against that. I cringe every time I have to hear “My name is Brian, and I’m the man,” and it only goes downhill from there. If it was a parody of rap, it’d be alright, but it clearly isn’t. What’s with the random string of Beach Boys sampling in the middle? I wish we could blame Eugene Landy for this one.
(2) My Pal Foot Foot by The Shaggs vs. (15) Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill
This is a prime comedy record. Sadly it wasn’t intended as one, but I can’t hate it. Every member of the band is clearly playing their own song.
(This story may be apocryphal.) One day Dan Hill was sitting at home with his wife and Chicago came on the radio. “Honey, I really like these guys, but don’t you think they’re just a little edgy?”
(7) Sweet Child O’ Mine by Sheryl Crow vs. (10) I Wanna Do It With You by Barry Manilow
Thanks, that song needed improving.
Sometimes you find someone who says it better than you.
(8) Where I Come From by Alan Jackson vs. (9) Detachable Penis by King Missile
Behold, the worst rhymed-song of all time. This song has lyrics like this:
Aren’t you from out in Tulsa?/No, but you might’a seen me there, I just dropped a load of salsa.
And that’s not even the most painful line in the song! Alan Jackson just decides to drop the whole rhyming thing in one verse and rhyme “dinner” with “soprano.” If you don’t want a song to rhyme, that’s fine, but don’t just stop doing it for one verse because you don’t have a rhyme!
I think this one’s beyond analysis.
(1) Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega vs. (16) We Built This City by Starship
- No one likes this song.
- Women whose names are in this song like it even less.
- Lou Bega’s mustache is stupid.
Well that’s not very practical architecture. Please check out their lesser known singles “I Made My Car With Blue-Eyed Soul” and “Beethoven Designed My Skyscraper.”
(3) He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) by The Crystals vs. (14) Lollipop by Steven Seagal
How did this song happen? How how how did this song happen? I cannot believe this was ever an OK song to record. It’s terrifying.
Hey it’s weird to see Steven Seagal facing off against domestic abuse. This is a really bad cover, increased exponentially by the white guy pseudo-Jamaican accent.