div3

Again, we have some truly bizarre matches in this division.

QUARTERFINALS

(5) FACK by Eminem vs. (3) Indian Outlaw by Tim McGraw

Well it is the only song on this list that repeats the line “Shove a gerbil in your ass through a tube,” so there’s that.

Just when you think he might sing an actual lyric, he just lists another Native American stereotype.

ROUND 3

(9) Rico Suave by Gerardo vs. (5) FACK by Eminem

Well it beat “Summer Girls,” so who knows? It has terrible lyrics and will never get out of your head. Never.

Is a bad joke worse than a terrible song that’s trying? I don’t know, I’m asking you.

(Wildcard) (You’re Having My Baby) by Paul Anka vs. (3) Indian Outlaw by Tim McGraw

For recording this song Anka won both the “Keep Her In Her Place” award from the National Organization for Women and the “Male Chauvinist Pig of the Year” award from Ms. Magazine. It wasn’t enough.

Apparently Tim McGraw was going to win Most Racist Country song for this one, but there were like 217 nominees.

ROUND 2

(15) Gangnam Style by Psy vs. (10) Chicken Fried by the Zac Brown Band vs. (Wildcard) (You’re) Having My Baby by Paul Anka

I mean, it’s annoying.

If you drink every time this song mentions a country music cliche, it doesn’t get any better.

It won the wildcard round easily and gets another chance. How did this lose in the first round?

(3) Indian Outlaw by Tim McGraw vs. (6) Butterfly by Crazytown

What’s worse than listing country music cliches? Listing Native American cliches of course.

It doesn’t have one negative lyric about Native Americans.

(1) Summer Girls by LFO vs. (9) Rico Suave by Gerardo

It is truly impressive how awful this song is. It is almost skillfully bad. “There was a good man named Paul Revere.” What does that have to do with anything? Ugh, if I say anymore I’ll probably go crazy, so take it away, Twitter.

Well, it’s not “Summer Girls” bad.

(13) Eating Cheese by Art Paul Schlosser vs. (5) FACK by Eminem

How long does he have to sing about cheese? We get it!

What a match. I can’t decide which is dumber.

ROUND 1

(2) Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks vs. (15) Gangnam Style by Psy

Can a song be more whiny? Why is it “hard to die?” If it’s the easy option, why don’t you just not die?

Terry Jacks makes this song look like a masterpiece.

(8) Heartbreaker by Teriyaki Boyz vs. (9) Rico Suave by Geraldo

I’m not sure what this is.

I’m entirely sure what this is, and it’s gross.

(5) FACK by Eminem vs.(12) Barbie Girl by Aqua

This is either Eminem or a lost song from South Park. I’m not sure which.

This video has a bald man using a hair dryer, and that doesn’t even make the top 10 things wrong with it.

(3) Indian Outlaw by Tim Mcgraw vs. (14) Drinkenstein by Sylvester Stallone

Hey, a song about rhyming cliched Native American words… sung by the whitest guy around. It feels like it belongs in an episode of Racist Sesame Street. I refuse to believe anyone ever danced to this.

Which country song by someone who is marginally better at acting will move on?

(6) Butterfly by Crazy Town vs. (11) Everything I Do (I Do It For You) by Bryan Adams

It’s short, but it sure feels like it’s never going to end. It just won’t stop droning on.

It’s only appropriate that most boring power ballad appeared in the film with the most boring Robin Hood. Seriously, these are actual lyrics: “There’s no love like your love/And no other could give more love.” GET ON WITH IT.

(4) Last Kiss by Pearl Jam vs. (13) Eating Cheese by Art Paul Schlosser

Tied with Shooby Taylor for the highest-ranked cover, “Last Kiss” by Pearl Jam is a really odd song. The original comes from the very specific 60s genre of teenage death songs… of which it isn’t even the best. Pearl Jam’s grating cover comes thirty years later and just feels like a joke run-through in rehearsal.

He’s eating cheese. Isn’t that fantastic? He has to tell you all about it.

(7) With Arms Wide Open by Creed vs. (10) Chicken Fried by the Zac Brown Band

Look, I dislike Creed as much as the next guy, but on the Mount Rushmore of annoying singers (Fred Durst, Steve Harwell, Scott Stapp and Chad Kroeger), Scott Stapp of Creed is by far the most tolerable. This song is generic and over-sung, but there are far worse songs in this division alone.

Seriously, it’s like the Zac Brown Band decided to put every single country music cliche into one song. There’s fried chicken, beer, country living, blue jeans, sweet tea, and the radio… and yet, it would be fine if they didn’t awkwardly force God and America into the last verse. I’m not saying these are bad things to sing about, but it feels like they were just going down a checklist. “Oh, we didn’t mention God or America, how will they play this on the radio? Oooh, pointless third verse.”

(1) Summer Girls by LFO vs. (16) MacArthur Park by Richard Harris

Every time I listen to this song, I discover yet another impossibly inept lyric. If this was just a stream-of-consciousness song, fine whatever. That’s a thing, but this is instead trying to be a normal song that forces in these random lines when it can’t come up with a rhyme. Sometimes those don’t even rhyme!

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet/Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

These are random throwaway lines and they STILL. DONT. RHYME. I have so much more ranting about this song to do, so please move it on so I can do more next round.

Oh no, it has a dumb line about cake in the rain. At least it rhymes!

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