div4.png

Alright, three divisions down, one to go. Division IV has easily some of the most difficult matches in all of the tournament.

QUARTERFINALS

(5) Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J vs. (7) Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille

Well, the anthem of the Trump Voters has moved on to the Egregious 8. Sometimes I wonder how a song like this got recorded, and then I just look at the world.

It’s beaten back-to-back songs about rape, so who knows?

Round 3

(9) Disco Duck by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots vs. (5) Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J

What went through Rick Dees’ mind and told him this was passable radio fare? Why did it get played so much? No one above the age of four likes cheap Donald Duck impressions.

Just remember, kids. Country music thinks wearing jewelry is as terrible as slavery… or that slavery isn’t all that terrible. I mean… either way.

(7) Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille vs. (3) Just the Way You Are (Drunk at the Bar) by Brian McFadden

If you find this song romantic, you may need to have your head examined. It is truly vomit-worthy.

Nope, still about rape.

Round 2

(13) (Sittin On’) The Dock of the Bay by Michael Bolton vs (6) Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J

I’ve been told if I rant any more about this song that I might end up in anger management class, so let’s just say I don’t care for this cover. At all.

One day Brad Paisley said, “Hey I like the flag that represented slavery, let’s get a black person who will record a song about it with me. That’ll go over swimmingly.”

(3) Just the Way You Are (Drunk at the Bar) by Brian McFadden vs. (11) Ass Like That by Eminem

I hope a warrant was put out for Brian McFadden’s arrest after he released this song. It’s terrifying.

It’s dumb and it knows its dumb. It’s not about rape.

(16) Thong Song by Sisqo vs. (9) Disco Duck by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots

This beat “Having My Baby”? Really?

Again, ducks don’t cluck. I mean, was this actually a dance craze?

(2) No Means No by Ricky J vs. (7) Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille

The high school camera crew that filmed this really needs to apologize for furthering Ricky J’s career.

It may be gross, but at least it’s consensual.

Round 1

(5) Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J vs. (12) The Jack by AC/DC

I still cannot believe this song was ever recorded. How did lyrics like “If you don’t judge my do-rag, I won’t judge your red flag” and “If you forget the gold chains, I’ll forget the iron chains” ever make it into a song? It attempts to equate fashion accessories with things that are actually racist… and not even accidentally.

Wow, this singing is bad. Just look at the creative chorus:

She’s got the jack, she’s got the jack
She’s got the jack, she’s got the jack
She’s got the jack, she’s got the jack
She’s got the jack, she’s got the jack
She’s got the jack, jack, jack, jack, jack, jack, jack
She’s got the jack

(2) No Means No by Ricky J vs. (15) All Gold Everything by Trinidad James

Not only are the lyrics disgusting, this is an embarrassingly bad production and video. He should have learned that no means no when he asked someone if this should be a single.

This has 30 million views on YouTube. That is shocking.

(1) (You’re) Having My Baby by Paul Anka vs. (16) Thong Song by Sisqo

There are songs in this tournament that are sexist, sappy, maudlin, over-sung, and over-produced. This is all of them at once.

You people must really hate butt songs.

(7) Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille vs. (10) Tiptoe Through The Tulips by Tiny Tim

OK this song is bad enough, but the animal lovemaking noises throw it over the line.

I still have nothing against this guy. He’s a schticky vaudeville act stuck in the wrong time period.

(6) Believe by Cher vs. (11) Ass Like That by Eminem

The song that introduced the world to auto-tune, Cher’s “Believe”…. you know what? That’s all I need. It introduced the world to auto-tune.

You people must REALLY hate butt songs.

(8) My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion vs. (9) Disco Duck by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots

The most overplayed movie song of the ’90s and the song that makes Kate Winslet sick, “My Heart Will Go On” is forever tied to the backlash that Titanic faced for being overrated. Try to separate the two in your vote.

DUCKS. DO. NOT. CLUCK. I don’t care if it rhymes, ducks don’t cluck. Also, that’s not even a good Donald Duck impression, Rick Dees (and/or one of your cast of idiots).

(3) Just The Way You Are (Drunk At The Bar) by Brian McFadden vs. (14) I Wanna Be Like You by Smash Mouth

There is no way to interpret this song differently. It’s about rape. It has lyrics like “I can’t wait to get you home so I can do some damage” and “So I can take advantage.” Brian McFadden’s song is shameless and it’s repulsive. Also, banjos.

Ouch. This is a truly painful cover of a classic song from a classic movie.

(4) Stout Hearted Men by Shooby Taylor vs. (13) (Sittin On’) The Dock of the Bay by Michael Bolton

The world’s only scat singer with no soul, Shooby Taylor is essentially just a musical version of Hooked on Phonics. It’s kind of fascinating.

NEVER has a cover gone so far against the meaning of the original. Otis Redding’s “Dock of the Bay” is a lovely, laid back acoustic tune about doing nothing at all. Bolton’s is an over-sung power ballad that destroys everything that was great about the original. Can you imagine if he tried to whistle? DID YOU EVEN LISTEN TO THE ORIGINAL, BOLTON? That’s how mad this makes me. It has me typing entire sentences in capital letters. It’s such utter dreck.

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2 thoughts on “Worst Song Ever: Division IV

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