ff

Only two songs remain. Which will go on to be declared the Worst Song Ever?

FINAL MATCH

(6) Ascension Millennium by Corey Feldman vs. (5) Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J

Oh Corey Feldman. It really is terrible, and it would have been terrible in the 80s when you clearly wish you would have written it. But is it the Worst Song Ever?

And now Brad Paisley’s lyrics to “Accidental Racist,” translated to show what they really mean (not bothering with LL’s because I have no clue what he was thinking).

To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main, I hope you understand

(Where do black people work? Let’s guess Starbucks.)

When I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I’m a Skynyrd fan

(And also slavery, but Skynyrd’s later material also feels like torture that’s never going to end)

The red flag on my chest somehow is like the elephant in the corner of the south

(Let’s just throw some metaphors in that don’t really make sense. They’ll think I’m deep.)

And I just walked him right in the room

(Sir, this is a Starbucks, we don’t serve coffee to elephants. Also, this is America, we don’t allow symbols of defeated enemies.)

Just a proud rebel son with an ‘ol can of worms

(Worms aren’t cool in Starbucks either. There hasn’t been one apology for racism yet but sure a lot of defense.)

Lookin’ like I got a lot to learn but from my point of view

(Nah we already heard your point of view.)

I’m just a white man comin’ to you from the southland, tryin’ to understand what it’s like not to be

(Hey maybe someone would have the conversation if you took of the shirt that represents enslaving their ancestors.)

I’m proud of where I’m from but not everything we’ve done

(I know, you’re still bummed about losing the Civil War.)

And it ain’t like you and me can re-write history

(At this point, I think the Starbucks worker has moved on to the next customer.)

Our generation didn’t start this nation, We’re still pickin’ up the pieces, walkin’ on eggshells, fightin’ over yesterday

(Starting from scratch, great, try removing the Confederate flag shirt.)

And caught between southern pride and southern blame

(Uh, try leaning towards blame, Brad.)

They called it Reconstruction, fixed the buildings, dried some tears. We’re still siftin’ through the rubble after a hundred-fifty years.

(Is this what they teach in the South? Reconstruction lasted a mere 14 YEARS! It was brought to a stop in exchange for Rutherford B. Hayes winning a contested election. You’re still sifting through the rubble because reconstruction didn’t continue. It took \100 years for Civil Rights to even get passed.)

I try to put myself in your shoes and that’s a good place to begin/But it ain’t like I can walk a mile in someone else’s skin

(I want to see what it’s like to be someone else, but not really. Let’s just go back to the Confederate flag defense.)

Oh, Dixieland, I hope you understand what this is all about

(Oh yeah, start singing the anthem of a country we defeated in war 150 years ago. THAT will help race relations.)

I’m a son of the new South

(Um great, then stop wearing the flag of the old one.)

And I just want to make things right where all that’s left is Southern pride.

(So you just totally gave up on that Southern blame part then.)

You’ve got 48 hours to vote. Let’s find out what is truly the Worst Song Ever!

SEMI-FINALS

(5) Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J vs. (3) Indian Outlaw by Tim McGraw

Hey if you think this is bad, you should have seen the rejected lyrics like “If you forgive my soul food, I’ll forgive your white hood.”

Well it’s the battle of the racially insensitive country songs. Which member of this should-be-more-rare subgenre will move on?

(1) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong vs. (6) Ascension Millennium by Corey Feldman

I’m really glad this didn’t lead to a “Poor Kids Dying So Rich White Guys Can Have a Better Christmas” sub-genre. One is too much.

The dislike bar on YouTube says it all. This is barely a song at all.

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