- Year: 1983
- Director: Tim Burton
- Starring: Michael Yama, Andy Lee, Alison Hong
The production behind today’s special is perhaps better-known than the contents of the special itself. In 1983, now-famed director Tim Burton was working for Disney when he made a Hansel and Gretel special to air on Halloween night on The Disney Channel. It never aired again, due to being too frightening for children, and a year later Burton was fired from Disney for making the also-too-frightening Frankenweenie. Disney of course made The Black Cauldron the next year, making these excuses for firing Burton totally ludicrous, but that’s beside the point.
Just an overview of this special will give you an idea of the truly weird experience you’re in for? Let’s see, are there sets that feel like they’re out of a school play?
An evil stepmother played by an actor who is obviously a man?
A wicked witch who looks like Pee Wee Herman in costume and sounds like Paul Lynde?
Music by the guy who scored Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood?
I have no intention to mock John Costa, who was a brilliant jazz pianist in his own right. He refused to play simple “children’s” music on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and improvised his mature jazz piano on set every day. He was so good that he was dubbed the “White Art Tatum,” by jazz great Art Tatum himself! That said, his serene style is a weird match for this special, as it feels like he was just told to compose some music without knowing what kind of program he was composing for. It’s incredibly pleasant to listen to, but it’s jarring in the context of this special. Maybe he thought he was composing for a harmless adaptation of a fairy tale? Who knows?
One thing you’ll also notice right off the bat is that the cast is entirely made up of Asian actors. Apparently, Tim Burton was obsessed with Japanese culture at the time he made this special. It may seem odd at first, seeing as how “Hansel and Gretel” is best known as a (German) Grimm Brothers fairy tale, but pretty much every fairy tale has origins dating back centuries, and in some case millennia, resulting in all kinds of versions of the story worldwide. Although “Hansel and Gretel” is believed to have been written during the Great Famine of the early 1300s, it has been interpreted and told in various countries, cultures and time periods.
As for the story itself, it follows the traditional beats. Hansel (Andy Lee) and Gretel (Alison Hong) are two children who live with their father (Jim Ishida), a poor toy maker, and their wicked stepmother (Michael Yama).
In the Grimm Brothers’ version of the fairy tale, it’s stated that the mother (Yeah, it’s not even the step-mother, ouch) abandons the children in the woods because of a famine in the land. I mean, it’s still incredibly evil, but at least there’s a motivation. Here, the stepmother just abandons them because she hates them. The first time, Hansel drops some rocks on the ground to show him the way back, but the second time, a mechanical toy duck the stepmother gave them eats the rocks on the way (just go with it).
Come on Burton, I know you’re working with no budget here, but couldn’t you at least give the impression that this is a forest one could get lost in? It appears to be maybe five times as long as the house. It’s not even that thick! How is anyone getting lost in that?
Anyway, after spending the night lost in the woods, Hansel and Gretel see the duck stand up straight and lead them to the famous candy house, which, honestly, doesn’t look half-bad.
I mean, it does kind of look like it’s about to fall over, but at least it’s colorful. As they approach the house, they’re greeted by the Witch.
OK look, I don’t care how young or naive you are, how do you not know this is a witch? Also, the witch is played by the same actor who plays the step-mother, which is actually a reference to some versions of the fairy tale which suggest that they are the same person. Now I’m not sure why a step-mother would logically go to all the trouble to dress up as a witch and kill them, when she could have just killed them in the forest anyway, but it’s a fairy tale. I’m not going to call out every bit of logic in fables that date back centuries. It’s more about the symbolism than the logic. Thankfully, there weren’t internet comments in the days of the Brothers Grimm.
When Hansel and Gretel enter the house, they see a huge cake on the table. They run right towards it, apparently without realizing or caring that there are little replicas of them on top of it! This is really something you should take notice of, kids.
However, when they go to eat the cake, they find out it’s rock solid. The witch laughs and laughs that they fell for it, but then insists that the table and chairs are edible. Wow Burton, you really wanted to make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory years before you actually did, didn’t you?
Having had a long day of being lost and eating candy, Hansel and Gretel go to bed. I have to say, this seems like a pretty faithful retelling so far. It’s weird, but I’m not sure what’s so traumatizing about it.
Their beds come to life?
WHAT? How Freddy Krueger is this movie gonna go? Anyway, Hansel gets sucked into the basement where the witch intends to fatten him up before eating him. However, she only gives him ONE GINGERBREAD COOKIE! I know the story takes place over a much longer period of time, but what good is this going to do? Is it a magically fattening cookie?
In what universe is that gingerbread? Not only is it terrifying, there is not anything about it that resembles gingerbread! Is there that much frosting? Oh, also he talks. He keeps egging Hansel on to eat him and makes puns that sound like rejected jokes from The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, like “I feel pretty crummy.” Then, in the special’s weirdest moment (and there is some stiff competition), the gingerbread thing sings his own version of Rod Stewart’s “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” That’s right, a gingerbread in a children’s TV special based on a fairy tale says “If you think I’m tasty and you want my body, come on Hansel, take a bite.”
However, Hansel ends up not eating the whole thing, which means he’s strong enough to fight off the witch’s attacks.
They get into something vaguely resembling a kung fu fight (Chinese not Japanese, Tim), and the witch eventually falls into her own oven. This causes her house to melt and a giant swan rises up to take the children home.
When they get home, the father admits that he sent the swan, which doesn’t really make any sense, since it magically rose up out of the wreckage, but whatever. The swan also spits out coins, meaning the family is now rich. Huh? Didn’t the father invent it? Is he a counterfeiter now? Is the special suggesting he made money in town? If so, why is he hiding the money in a swan that he sent into the forest to find his lost children? Why not a bank?
I understand why Disney canned this thing after one airing. It’s not even so much that it’s too scary, but it’s just weird. Everything after Hansel and Gretel enter the witch’s house is just one strange creative decision after another. I don’t want to mock child actors too much, but Andy Lee is really not doing a great job here as Hansel. That said, all of the other actors are passable. I have no clue if Burton wasn’t given enough money to work with, or was under the influence of some very strong hallucinogens, but this is truly bizarre and unprofessional. It’s easily the weirdest thing I’ve seen yet.
Well we’ve only got one special left, but it is from weirdness masters Rankin/Bass, so who knows? It could be even weirder.
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